What I don't want

I don't want to write right now.

I don't want to have a time limit imposed by my parking meter.

I don't want to be inside a cafe right now.

I don't want to have to avoid wearing my jeans another day because I can't seem to shake my China weight gain. I don't want to continue feeling fat, when, clearly, I am not, or as though I've learned little about self-control over the past few years.

I don't want to disappoint my nieces or my ten year old friend, Indigo by not spending time with them.

I don't want to run around trying to fulfill competing obligations anymore. I don't want to have a to do list that never get's done.

I don't want the cold to come to Santa Cruz, even though I have more scarves and coats than anyone else I know.

I don't want to start another week tired.

I don't want to be cranky or melancholy anymore.

I don't want to try so hard with Joe. I don't want to stop seeing him. I don't want to keep seeing him if I'm going to continue to want him to be someone he isn't. I don't want him to keep understanding me so completely, to keep saying things and doing things that endear him to me, to keep texting me sultry texts and kissing me with such sweetness. I don't want him to quietly correct me when I talk of us having sex, supplanting it with "making love" because I so much want that to be what we are making that I need to call it sex to keep my heart from leaping way ahead of where we're at. I don't want him to like the same books as me or harbor dreams of being an author like me. I don't want him to speak so thoughtfully about racism. I don't want him to be so very almost the person I want to be with. Almost, because the thing I don't want the most in all this is that I don't want him to be unclear about whether or not he wants a relationship that is leading to marriage and a family. I don't want to be that woman, again, who hangs on, waiting for him to see that I really am the most amazing person he's ever met and he'd be crazy not to fall completely in love with me. I SO don't want to be that woman. I don't want my heart to sigh when I inevitably think that being that woman feels so much easier and more rewarding (in the short run, anyway). I DON'T WANT TO KEEP TAKING THIS NEW, EXCITING THING WITH JOE SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY!

I don't want the way I've always been in relationships to spark such fear in me as I try to treasure and stay present in getting to know this good man. 

Finally, I don't want to keep thinking about what I don't want, because, let's face it, cranky Mandie isn't so much fun. Perhaps, if I'm feeling inspired next week, I'll have a list of what I do want. But for now, what I want more than anything else is to remember that my life really is all about being Love.